Mommy Gone Milf Via HCG

I was on the cusp of breaking into the 140's and then....a few things happened. I went out to a family dinner and indulged a smidge. I ate a few bites of my husband's pizza and had a glass of wine. I only gained .6 from that but now I'm ovulating and......

I finally started the Couch to 5k program. It is not recommended that you begin an exercise regimen in P2 - I know that! However, there is something more important to me than doing what I'm told right now - that is doing what I want! The Susan G. Komen in September.

For the last several years I have watched it sail by as I sat on the sidelines wishing I was in better shape and able to run a 5k. No more lusting after 5k's. No more beating myself up. This year I will just do it! I have to start training.

So yesterday I put on my fancy running shoes I bought a couple months ago and I blew the dust off the treadmill. I had my own princess cheerleader (fully adorned in purple satin dress and pink sparkling crown) who stood by exclaiming, "you are doing it mommy, good job". Of course her cheers turned to "get off there mommy, stop it" after a while.....but I had my new boyfriend (ipod) on so I just pointed to my earphones and yelled "I can't hear you sweetie" really loud. I kept going....and yelling and playing dumb.

I was following one of the Couch to 5k programs. The one I was looking at started with a 5 min walk, then 2 min jog, 5 min walk. but I decided to start by pushing a little to run for 3 min instead of 2. After 3 min I kinda expected the ol' stitch in the side and to eventually collapse, fall on the treadmill and ziiiipppppp bamm! Hit the wall.

After a warm up and moderate jogging for 3 min I thought....coool I'm doing it......4 min....seriously!.......5 min.......wtf???.......6 min.....huh?.....7 min.....maybe I should stop?? So I did. I wasn't uncomfortable, I just knew the program did a little interval switch up at 6 min so I thought maybe I should stop there. I didn't want to over do it. I did my 5 min cool down along with some light upper body strength training with my 5lb dumbbells.

This morning I was rewarded with a +1.8lb on the scale. I expected it. As always, this diet is mind over matter or psychology over flabalanche and the best advice I can give is this.....SHAKE IT OFF, CHECK YOUR ATTITUDE AND KEEEP GOING!! I will stay on P2 until the end of July even though I am training now.

Speaking of going. Another motivating factor for me is that the weekend after Susan G. we are going to Vegas for our anniversary. I want to be toned and fit. I also decided that (along the lines of pushing myself and facing fears this year) I am going to do the Sky Jump off the Stratosphere!

Stinkin' scale just couldn't give me that extra ounce this am! I'm getting ready for the 140's, only 1.8lbs from my 50lb total loss and coming up on ovulation so I hope I get there soon!

I was having a blast in the back yard today with Lauren. I got the kiddy pool out and umbrellas, sunhat, magazine, music, etc. We had fun. I wanted to make a margarita martini sooooo bad. I make it with my 3, 2, 1 recipe: 3oz of white Tequila, 2oz of cheap Cointreau and the juice of 1 lime, with a dash of agave but I'm thinking about trying it with stevia. I salt only 1/2 of the rim of my martini glass. Kick ass! (That's five shots if you're counting) Just talked myself into one I think :)

I hope you are all enjoying your summer!

I have had a busy week but wanted to do a quick update. I started on Hucog again last Saturday. I had taken 5 days off after 20 inj of Ovidac and then TOM. I did sneak in a couple of no no's before starting again - but I didn't load. I had couple of cheater meals- sushi and Thai food. I'm not sure how I should label my days now??

I started at 155.8 and this morning I was at 151. So I lost inches with Ovidac and as soon as I started Hucog again my weight went down about 4 lbs in a week.  I'm still focused with a vengeance on 148 which will put me at a total of 50 lbs lost and will kick that BMI "overweight" label square in the arse.

Having these milestones in mind is keeping me on track. Especially when my husband took us to a "Five Guys" burgers last week. I didn't order anything I just compulsively crunched on my chopped "apples a la ziploc" while I walked through the line. I tasted two bites of his and it was really good. Mean!!!

I noticed for the second time that taking Lauren swimming makes me stall for a day. Not sure if it is the chlorine or just water retention. Anyway, we have been having some summer fun with cousins and neighbors- finally the weather is warmer. We also have our plastic pool out back and we have been doing a lot of chalk drawing and bubbles.....I know- soooo exciting.

I have lost the past three days.....I stopped my injections the past three days??? Weird that the last couple lbs I dropped were the days that I skipped. Funny thing is TOM is finally here today and I don't usually lose then. I will go at least three more skip days and then hopefully my Hucog will be here.

I guess this is a planned interruption and according to Simeons I can go for up to 14 days on a planned interruption by consuming 800 calories a day (adding protein: meat, eggs, cheese and milk, after 3 days of skipping injections). No dairy for me though. Correct me if I'm wrong on the interruption!

I feel great and I'm not tired or fatigued. If I need to I will up my protein a little. I'm looking forward to seeing if the interruption and Hucog will make me lose again so I am being careful not to cheat because I don't want to recover from a cheat right now. Besides, my new skinny jeans are getting baggy! I am 5 lbs from a 50 lb total loss! I am 5 lbs from getting off the BMI overweight scale! Can't wait.

Hope you are all having a great day!

I knew you guys would read this if I mentioned balls in the tag line! Naughty! Naughty!

Seriously, my mouth and teeth have been so raw and sore this last week. Thank goodness for the wax that they give you to roll up and put on your braces. My mouth has finally mostly recovered. Although, I have to learn to eat again.

Protocol is tough with braces. I have been trying to make soups and I ended up trying to eat scrambled eggs and tofu just to get some protein. I had the shakes so bad by the third day. I ended up making a really yummy cucumber, cilantro, garlic and lime soup.

I went to the store the other day and I was famished by the time I got in the car to drive home. I love pink lady apples and I eat them almost every day. (You cannot eat apples without cutting them up when you have braces.) I had to laugh at myself when I tried to eat the apple while driving home. I kept gnawing and gnawing but I couldn't get a bite off. It was like a beaver gnawing on a steel pipe!

I put the apple in the fruit bowl when I got home. My husband picked it up and said, "what the hell happened to this apple?" I looked at it perplexed and said "I dunno, looks like a beaver got ahold of it!".

My weight is not dropping off this round. As a matter of fact I am still hovering between 155 and 154. The weight I ended at on round one. I am trying to stay on protocol and not blow it because I don't want to have to work off the 6 lbs I have lost - again.

Since this protocol is call Pounds & Inches I took my measurements yesterday. I found out that even though I am at the same weight I have lost almost 5 combined inches off my arms, legs, hips, waist and chest. A little encouragement I needed.

This round I tried Ovidac and last round I used Hucog. This morning I ordered some more Hucog to see if that is the difference. Always thinking and wondering why things work the way they do on this diet. I am taking a couple days off from injections because TOM will be here soon anyway. I'm hoping Hucog will show up in time to start injections again. Maybe the second vial of Ovidac will be good for re-shaping.

Hope you are all well!

I am still on protocol and hanging in there. Losses have been slow since I cheated right away. After recovering from the cheat I stalled due to ovulation. As soon as I was over that I went to the orthodontist.

I had started on invisalign braces a few years ago but once I was pregnant I fell off the wagon. I beat myself up about it almost every day. Just like a diet, I kept telling myself "I will start on Monday". After I had the baby I kept trying to start over but never stuck with it. I was so exhausted and so overwhelmed I didn't have the self discipline to stick with it.

Fast forward 2.5 years and in consultation the orthodontist informed me that they disposed of my invisalign trays. It would cost $1500 to replace them or $800 to get regular braces. (They had already been paid $6500) I had a very emotionally loaded decision to make.

This issue was on a list of issues my husband authored back in December - reasons why he was so angry at me. I have been focusing on myself (avoiding falling into a co-dependent abyss) and stuffing my emotions towards him since then because I didn't want to "fix" him and he didn't want to own his own crap.

In January we discussed and agreed that we would go to counseling (counselor of his choice and he would go in first since he was so incredibly angry). He has been dragging his feet and has only gone twice since January. I have been to one appt. I think over time his anger has subsided but we are left with resentments and unresolved issues.

Anyhoo, things really came to a head this week due to the impending orthodontist decision. I told him it was difficult for me because I was so offended that he was basically complaining about my "face". Once I got started I didn't stop, I just took the last six months of emotions and let him have it. Not in an out of control way but in a "this is where we are at" way and confronted him about dragging his feet on counseling and not owning his own shit. He said he wasn't even sure he wanted to go....I spun on my heel and left heading towards the orthodontist. I just didn't care to respond.

I chose braces. Shorter treatment plan of a year and I know this time I won't be able to fall off the wagon. I'm not thrilled about it but it was the best decision for me at the time. Braces are important to me and on a list of goals that I had for myself. I am happy to be back on track so I don't have to beat myself up over it anymore. I feel a sense of relief about it, and about letting my husband know where I am at emotionally and in our relationship.

That night, on a family shopping trip to the grocery store, they were playing in the reading glasses section. I picked out the most atrocious pair of black horn rimmed glasses I could find, flashed my husband an Ugly Betty style smile, and said "do I make you horny baby?". His face read a combination of shock and utter disbelief. I laughed hysterically and thought to myself "fine - no fellatio for a year!"

I was very careful not to turn to food to soothe my negative emotions this week. I spent a lot of time on the phone with my girlfriends (who think I look adorable in braces). I finally broke into new territory today and lost a new pound! Yea :(#)

Food prep - in order to have food readily available and keep myself on track I measured protein portions in batches and made ziploc bags for the freezer. I often cooked several meat portions on the foreman and left them in the fridge. The foreman is a life saver!

Emotions - daily weigh in triggers a roller coaster of emotions. If you lose you are happy and if you don't you are crabby. On injection skip day I was crabby. The first major upset I faced forced me to learn about emotional eating and I did some research on brain chemistry: dopamine, tryptophan, endorphins and seratonin, in regards to emotional eating. "Self medicating" through eating.

Negative emotions - If I had negative emotions I learned to recognize them and to be aware that they were a trigger.  If I cheated I learned to forgive myself, brush it aside and move on. You will completely derail yourself if you don't learn to do this. Negative emotions can trap you in a circular behavior of eating to medicate yourself thus causing more negative emotions that you will eat to medicate....etc.

(I had to work really hard on fighting negative emotions. Things that worked for me: I fell in love with music again and blew the dust off my iPod and loaded it with my favorite songs. I got a pedicure, called my friends and blogged. I spent a lot of time researching and reading about things I am interested in. I took hot Epsom salt baths and/or had a small glass of wine. I focused on goals and planning fun things I haven't enjoyed in a while. I tried to force negative thoughts out of my head by focusing on positive things. Even if I had to start over again every day!)
Cheating - I carried an apple and melba toast (glutino breadsticks) with me everywhere. I avoided eating out. Even ordering a chicken salad would stall me because of the oils they prep the food with. A couple times I brought my own meat and just ordered a house salad. I would allow myself to have a bite of something I wanted- one bite doesn't stall me and I can usually stop after one bite, usually. I could not leave food on the kitchen counter or I would start grazing. Too much physical exertion made me have more cravings. I traveled with my scale. I planned cheats on big occasions.

Stalling - I tracked my weight loss on a paper calendar (I tacked to the wall above my scale) and therefore I made the observation that I stall during ovulation and TOM. An apple day only made me suffer during these times and I learned to wait it out. Brain chemistry again, I read that your pituitary gland releases the "luteinizing hormone" which stimulates the ovary to release estradiol, progesterone, and androgens in a cyclical manner during ovulation. So I'm not surprised that my body won't release fat at that time. It's busy.

To lose more - I made sure to note the days of the month during my cycle that I would lose more and I try not to cheat on those days. A couple times I ate 2 egg whites and 1 egg with spinach to break a stall - better than an apple day. I hated the apple day I did. I lose more on days I eat raw veggies with my protein, as opposed to cooking my veggies. Believe it or not I lose more when I eat beef. Of course fluids help you lose more so lemon water with vanilla stevia helped me drink more fluids. Teas are awesome and besides, green tea I also drank chocolate Yerba Mate with vanilla stevia and occasionally roasted dandelion (diuretic - read about it before drinking).

Side effects - I had some hair loss. I felt a dull ache in my sides on the days I was losing. I got headaches and crabby on skip days. I had occasional bruising from the injections. I started taking liquid B vitamins for more energy.

Mixing - after my first few starving and fatigued days at 200iu injections I bumped my dosage to 225iu and then finally 250iu. Again, I do not instruct you to do this - figure it out on your own. This dosage is what my body responded to. It is the maximum suggested. On the second mixing I followed "mini" mixing instructions and diluted with less Bact water. This made the amount I had to inject much smaller. I inject into my belly fat by pinching my skin tightly between my thumb and index finger and then inserting the needle slowly - pinching makes it hurt less. Mind over matter!

Phase 3 - phase 3 was a snap as soon as I learned it was all about the protein. After the first week of phase 3 I started eating 6 meals a day but with a lot more protein. I stuck with lean protein and I didn't go for the bacon. I added tofu, berries, kale, brussels sprouts, etc. back in. I liked the roasted chicken day for correction. Roast and pick at an entire chicken for the day (less crabby).

Phase 4 - was a flop for me and I will have to learn more next time. At the end of phase 3 the dairy really started to get to me. In phase 4 I ate frozen yogurt and mac and cheese and it really started a downslide for me. I didn't correct right away and ended up stabilizing at 3 lbs over LIW. My allergies returned and my face broke out. I really looked forward to round 2 because of this. I will add foods back more slowly in my next phase 4.

So an update and a mishap....

I went out on a date with my husband Friday night to an 80's VJ night. We got a really nice room so we didn't have to worry about driving. The next day we had a wonderful breakfast and went to see Iron Man II before picking Lauren up.

It was such a blast. I hadn't danced like that in so long. All the music was 80's dance music and everyone knew and sang all the words. It is so funny how you can just dance in a group of total strangers and everyone will smile and laugh and no one cares that you don't know each other.

My husband kept getting too hot and walking off to go cool down but I didn't want to stop dancing because it is such a rare opportunity for us to get out. I kept sneaking back out by myself. At one point he got pissed and I just told him - "look, you only live once and I don't get out that often so I am going to make the most of it and I don't give a shit if you are hot. I will just go dance until you come back." It worked out fine that way. I never would have done that when I was younger.

I did blow my diet but I didn't care. I'm back on track.

An Unfortunate Event: apparently my mom saw my blog. In her opinion it was intentional. She doesn't understand how the URL address bar and cookies works. She thought I left it on her computer to purposely hurt her. My sister, brother, father and niece all explained how the address just stays there after you have been on the website- she didn't listen and didn't care. She was going to grill my niece about it so I called her to own it. It is my blog and I didn't want her grilling my niece. I managed to block my blog before she read all the posts. She only saw the last couple.

On the phone she just screamed a long hysterical tirade of mean nasty words, I caught "you finagling little bitch, how dare you come to my house and leave that up on my computer, I'm done with you, don't you ever come over here again", blah, blah. Apparently she had been obsessing about the clean up of hoarding downstairs also and I was told that she blamed it on me and thought I was the one who planned it. So the blog didn't help nor did the fact that we booked a vacation rental for when my sister comes to visit without consulting her. The sad thing is we were going to take her on a mother daughter spa day when we were there.

So I have been mulling over the years of verbal, mental and physical abuse from her. I realise I am just done. After your entire family has an intervention with you and asks you to get help - and you won't - there isn't much left. (Going to counseling for a few appointments and not owning your own crap doesn't count. )

There is a limit. I just reached mine. It's funny her counselor said the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I understand what that means now.