One Mom's Personal Journey...Back To Herself!

R1 P3 D19: Psychology and Emotions of Weight Loss
Current Weight: 157.2
+/- LIW: (+1.6)
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I just ordered my second round of hCG and I am about 3 weeks away from loading. Right now I am coming to terms with having lost over 40 lbs and I am trying to adjust to my new self image. The psychology and emotions involved during weight loss have surprised me. Maybe following such a structured diet has brought this to the surface??? Anyway, from reading other blogs I see that I am not alone in dealing with these issues.

The first thing I noticed was the need to address emotional eating. It surfaced in phase 2 when I had to deal with anxiety and stress from my family, husband and life in general. Relational stress is definitely more of a trigger for me. My slips usually occur as a result.

I also know that my weight gain came in a time where I was under a tremendous amount of emotional stress. Not from the pregnancy but when my husband returned to work. Much conflict from unmet expectations crept into our marriage. Those issues eventually erupted like a scalding hot geyser and are still unresolved.

The overall Psychology of weight loss is something I have been learning about. I don't want to re-gain my weight. I have some serious fears regarding that. This last year I have been changing me, my behaviors and thought process. I don't want to be lumped into the statistic: 85-90 percent of people regain their weight within 3-5 years. Did you know blogging is one of the best ways to prevent that??? Yea us!!

I am now a size 10 again and my mind hasn't caught up with my body. Some days I still beat myself up with the negative "fat" talk. I read an article on Phantom Fat and came across a book "The Body Has a Mind of It's Own". I'm going to see if I can pick up a used copy. I think it would be a good read....and re-read.

In summary. Life never ceases to amaze me and I have found that weight loss slowly bubbles up issues to the surface, emotional and psychological, like an effervescent glass of champagne (which I will consume in another 2 days 18 hrs and 30 min.).

So glad you are all here with me!
R1 P3 D16 157.4 Moving along....
Current: 157.4 +/- LIW: +1.8

Yesterday I finally got back down to 155 again. It took a steak day, followed by a chicken day and then 2 days of clean eating to get my weight or water retention down. TOM showed up when I was trying out my protein days so that just made it harder. Anyway, I lost 1.4 on my first real steak day.

Last night we went to a steak house we haven't been to in a long time. It really grossed me out. The stench of grease was disgusting. Lauren wouldn't even eat the fries - that oughta tell ya right there. Told my husband I was sorry but I didn't think I would go there again. I came home and chugged a ton of lemon water, green tea and dandelion tea.

My poor baby has a UTI and I took her to the Naturopath yesterday after a fever spike and urinating burning sensation on Thursday night. I have been pumping her full of vitamins, cranberry juice, lemon water, probiotics, and Apis from the ND. The stevia is good at getting her to drink the juices. We are trying to allow her body to fight it off and I DO NOT want to give her antibiotics and wipe out all the work we have done repairing her immune system. Antibiotics are on stand by in the fridge. I am keeping a very close eye on her.

The last time we went to the M.D. it was for a chest cold. Before the appointment I told her the M.D. needed to listen to her cough. (I always try to tell her what we are doing and what to expect.)  Yesterday I explained that we need to go to the N.D. to get her "owie" checked. She put one hand on her hip, threw the other one up in the air and exclaimed, "yeah mom, da doctor needs to listen to my butt because it's burnin! We need to make me all better". I died laughing.

I was super pissed at my husband for going to Krav Maga instead of the N.D. with me. I was really worried and thought they may have to catheterize Lauren to get a urine sample. I had been up the night before watching her fever and worrying because UTI's are not to be taken lightly. I was so scared driving to the appointment I was shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up - I just wished I had some support.  Anyway, they did not cath her and it went better than expected but I still wanted to kick him square in the "twig and berries"....maybe two kicks....and an eye poke! So residual is that I have been a real BITCH today. Oh well....sucks to be him right now.

Lauren is doing better. Just waiting and watching.
Happy Earth Day!
I don't know about you but I have been totally thinking about Earth Day this year. I guess it is because I overhauled Lauren's diet and environment due to allergies, food and otherwise (and also my diet).  Trying to pinpoint toxins that were causing her to have a reaction took a monumental amount of research and effort. I learned a lot. It encouraged me to be more mindful.

Of course, I would love to be more eco-friendly. I'm not even close to where I need to be. Since today is Earth Day I invested some time pontificating on additional simple, affordable and fun ways that I might push myself. I mean beyond no-VOC paint, light bulbs and non-disposable grocery bags!  I have included some useful links and information I found along the way. I hope you find it interesting.

One point that was repeatedly reiterated in the volumes of green information I perused is that, generally, what is good for our health is also good for the environment. A full circle philosophy. Many of the diet and health choices you and I have been making are "green".

I have mentioned going organic before but I did some reading on prioritizing the produce I should select in order to make it more affordable. I found a printable "dirty dozen" and "clean 15" list published by Environmental Working Group for organic "musts". This list assists in reducing consumption and intake of chemicals and pesticides.

The best place to purchase fresh local organic produce and grass fed meat is your nearest farmer's market. (Pike is one of my favorites!) Ah yes, the season is upon us!  If you aren't sure where your nearby market is I have included two links for locating one. According to Gail Feenstra of UC Davis Sustainable Agriculture Research and Education Program,  "Food travels approximately 1,500 miles from farm to fork". So not only are farmer's markets great for organics, they also reduce environmental pollution.

Gardening is not my forte. Many plants have died a slow agonizing death as a result of my brown thumb. I really would like to plant some herbs and veggies this year. Lauren is getting old enough to help me and I know she would enjoy it. A great place to start would be to pick one or two of the "dirty dozen" and grow them myself in a container garden. Maybe strawberries, lettuce or kale. There is even a book out by Barbara Barker, Container Gardening for Health:The 12 Most Important Fruits and Vegetables for your Organic Garden.


Hmmm, and what's up with the corn fed beef issue? I investigated when I started hCG due to all the American beef bashing. Yuk!!!!. Stock yards and an unnatural diet of corn and soy result in high hormones, antibiotics and pesticides. Not to mention the ranching process is inhumane and not eco-friendly. According to Eatwild.com, "a diet of grazed grass requires much less fossil fuel than a feedlot diet of dried corn and soy."(they have a grassfed locator). Organic grassfed beef is on the Forbes top 10 list of food (as well as kale). It is lower in saturated fats and higher in Omega-3's, vitamins, minerals and conjugated linoleic acid. I could go on...

So much to consider! How about soap?  My husband insists on different soaps because, TMI, he won't wash his face with the same soap he washes his butt with. (Ummm, please don't put the soap there honey!!!!) I have been reading about liquid soap and considering going fully organic there too. Obviously house cleaning and personal hygiene products are loaded with chemicals that are detrimental to the environment. Organic soap and especially liquid soap is more eco-friendly and also conserves water, especially if you take a Navy shower! Save 15,000 gallons of water a year!!

So I have been reading more about natural products you can use to clean your home and your body. I have even been considering making my own liquid soap with an organic soap base such as those from brambleberry.com or simply by following a recipe for boiling distilled water and combining it with an organic bar soap such as Dr. Bronners.

Another great tip an author made was that conserving in some areas offsets your costs in other areas. Conserve water, stretch your soap budget, grow your own veggies and eat more vegetarian meals to help pay for organics and grassfed meats.

A long post but this is where my mind is today in regards to Earth Day. I hope to have inspired you!

(Earth pic originally from University of Wyoming Dusty Shelves blog)
Back from Napa & S.F. Voyage!
Last night we very begrudgingly returned from our Napa & San Francisco trip. Tony Bennett isn't the only one who left his heart there! Such a romantic and enchanting escapade. The weather was glorious the entire trip, sunshine and sea breezes.

We stayed in Napa at one of our favorite hotels, Vino Bello. We like this hotel because it is well located and budget and family friendly. Kiddy pool, boccie ball, spa, vineyard, walking trails, wine caves, and near shopping and restaurants. The rooms even have full kitchens or kitchenettes and washer/dryers.
We visited our favorite winery, V. Sattui, and also ventured across the street to Dean and Deluca. Located in St. Helena, a sweet little Napa Valley town full of quaint shops and eateries. Both purveyors are loaded with epicurean treats and fantastic wine.

V. Sattui offers many dessert wines - my husband's favorite. The most extraordinary, in my opinion, is the Angelica. A mixture of muscat and brandy (must be paired with cigar). Pictured right is a gourmet sugar and salt bar at Dean and Deluca. I was mesmerized by the salmon pink Himalayan salt bricks! Apparently the bricks can be heated and used for table top sauteing. How much fun would that be at a dinner party???
We made the one hour drive south to San Francisco and stayed in Tiburon (across the bay) at the Tiburon Lodge. We checked in, walked into our room, looked around - then both simultaneously broke out into 70's porn riff: bom chicka wah wah! Mirrors everywhere! We had a good laugh and short conversation about black lights before I back peddled to the front desk, 2 year old in tow, and sweet talked them into a much improved room. (Honey will get you further than vinegar!)
Tiburon and Sausalito (slower paced and full of dining and shopping) are across the bay and a scenic ferry ride to downtown, highly recommended! Generally hotels in SF will charge $60 for parking. We drove in order to execute the "grande finale" planned for the day.

Although we have been several times, it is still soooo difficult to choose activities when in SF. So much to do! Like most parents, we centered our day around experiences for Lauren. We hopped a trolley car up Mason then sauntered back down Hyde. Along the way to Ghirardelli Square we passed Lombard, the classic winding road. (Pausing at all windows displaying the most dreamy lah-dee-dah's a girl has ever seen!)
We sampled Ghirardelli Chocolate but were ecstatic to find Kara's Cupcakes! Some were gluten free so Lauren could indulge. We then stumbled upon the Crown and Crumpet Tea Salon. Seriously, the most adorable store I have ever seen. Future trips will be planned accordingly! A nap drive soon ensued landing us at Golden Gate Park which is over 1,000 acres and has something for everyone. Lauren had a blast playing at Koret Children's Quarter and riding the Carousel.

Mommy's turn! I threw out the idea that I wanted to break in my Nike Triax 13's on the Golden Gate Bridge (1.7 miles). My husband agreed and dropped me off on the south end of the bridge then picked me up on the north end.

Articulating what a thrill that was is extremely difficult. The sun was shining, there was a salty ocean breeze, the view was truly magnificent. I thought it might be tough - long and cold, it wasn't. I didn't come down off my high the entire way accross the bridge.

I walked, jogged, listened to the new runner's playlist on my iPod and snapped pictures. At the end, I could finally see my family. I took off at a sprint and so did Lauren. We both ran into each others open arms. "I found you on the red bridge mama!" she exclaimed. I will never forget that moment and I told her that I hope she doesn't either.

Other than the weight gain I loved our trip. Hello steak day!





R1 P3 Day 5 156.8 Correction Days
Current:  156.8
+/- LIW: +1.2

Yesterday I was 157.4 and I was coping with my growing anxiety about leaving town for a few days. I didn't want to leave town at +1.8 over LIW and come back +4 over LIW. I am debating on whether or not I will take my scale. It is glass and I am afraid it will get broken. I don't want to see the 160's EVER again!

Let's face it, SET UP! I'm going to Napa and San Francisco- the land of wine, cheese, chocolate and all around culinary delight! I mean really, who skips Ghirardelli Square due to a diet??? Sheesh! Not Moi! Life is too short. Maybe I will really spit the wine out in Napa??? Not likely...I usually throw back and ask for seconds....

So I did some research and read about four different correction days: 1) Egg, 2) Apple and Cheese, 3)Protein and of course 4) Steak Days. From what I gleaned I really shouldn't be doing a Steak Day until I hit 2lbs over and I need to do it immediately upon the day I see the +2 morning weigh in.

Egg Days and Protein Days are suggested as an alternative to Steak Day by others on the HCG forums. They also said you can do a few of these days in a row if need be. I decided to do the egg day because, well let's face it, no food all day and a two year old is not a good combination.

(Example: Mommy?....mommy? ....mommy?....mommy?
......WHAAAAAAAT???????......(repeat infinity).)

Egg day suggestions vary but this is the one I went with (accept I cooked with coconut oil and had a little cashew butter in lieu of cheese and mayo):

3 eggs scrambled for b-fast with 1-2 oz of cheese
3 eggs and 1 tsp mayo and mustard for egg salad for lunch
3 eggs for dinner - over easy or however you like it

They say 8-12 eggs and no other fruit or veggies for the day. This is ALL you eat. You drink your normal ton of liquids.

Basically, this is a great test for egg sensitivity. My stomach hurt last night and I woke up with very sore hands and joints. I only dropped .6 lbs. I'll take it. Today I'm going to swing towards the protein day instead. Maybe that will help me get down a little more before we leave town.
Get Ready to Run! Shoes and Bras
Quick hCG update. Weight fluctuating between 155.6 to 157.2 depending on what I eat. As I have read elsewhere - dairy and fat do make you gain and bloat. I have indulged in a few no no's. I HAD A MOCHA! Gasp!!!

Yesterday I went to a specialty store for running shoes. I was petrified - I had heard they would make you run on a treadmill in front of the sales clerks. I envisioned a co-ed audience standing around staring at me- not my favorite! For one, I have huge boobs! There, I said it. I do not like being the center of attention. In school I always sat in the back with the stoners and never answered questions.

I had a big girl talk with myself before I entered the store. "Listen, if you are going to be serious about running, get the most appropriate shoe and spend $140, then you can't be a pussy about running on the treadmill in front of people! ......Fine!!!"

It's never as bad as I make it out to be. There was only 1 woman who had me WALK on the treadmill in my socks. She video taped my gait to observe if I had either over, under or neutral pronation. I also showed her my list, my old shoes and told her that I was thinking I needed a "stability" shoe. She agreed.

I tried on and discussed several different shoes and ended up purchasing a pair of Nike Triax 13. I only paid $90 and a bonus is- they are girlie and pink! Now to set a start date for Couch to 5k. I'm thinking walking will be best until we get back from vacation.

I am having a really hard time finding a bathing suit due to the aforementioned large breast issue. After I purchased my running shoes I went to a specialty shop for lingerie and bathing suits. I wanted to get fitted for a bra other than by the Victoria Secret - bimbos (sorry bimbos).

Long story long....I was excited to be able to go to Victoria Secret again and went there the other day to find they don't carry larger than a DD cup. However, for the sake of sales they are more than happy to give you a line of B.S. and ship you off in an ill fitting bra!

Soooooo, I had a fitting by a reputable shop I have gone to for years and found out I am still a 34G! As in 34 DDDD! I am only 5.4" (Well 5.4" and a half - and I do count the half!) No wonder I can't find a bathing suit! I'm going to have to order one on-line. Maybe after that I will grow some cajones and post "after" pics. I am still trying to grow some!
Results of R2 Pounds & Inches and 4 Day Goal


I'ts a perfect time for me to re-group and switch gears. I set a ridiculously easy "4 day goal" of preparing to start my 5k training. I got the idea from Kelly who discussed Martha Becks book Four Day Win on her blog http://imaskinnymini.blogspot.com/. So I have been researching shoes, moving the treadmill and pulling the info together from the "Couch to 5k" program. (My final reward will be my new shoes.)http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

My daughter refers to dresses as a "la-dee-dah". The other day we were talking and playing and I said, "would you like to see mommy's la-dee-dah?". Of course she said "yes!". As a small reward to myself I tried on my wedding dress. I had been wondering if it would fit me again. It did and it was a very special girlie moment for us to share. It feels so awesome to weigh 155 again! When I met my husband I weighed 150. So to be within 5 lbs of that weight again is simply amazing for me.

Below I listed my Pounds and Inches results from round 1 phase 2. I am pleased with the results. It was a bit more rocky than I had anticipated. I learned a lot about my body and how it lets go of weight.

Pounds & Inches
            02/12/2010        04/06/2010
RA       14 1/2                13 1/2
LA       14                      13
RL       24 1/8                 22
LL       23 3/4                 21 1/2
W        35 3/4                 30 1/2
H         42 1/2                 39
C         41 1/4                 39
Total "  195 7/8              178 1/2 (-17 3/8)
Total lbs 181.2               155.6 (-25.6)
Running Shoes - Please Advise! Pronation huh??
So moving right along! I want to do the "Couch Potato to 5k" and start running. I need to buy some running shoes. If you guys have any advice please let me know. This is what I have researched so far:

On Runner's World they had a video about determining what type of arch you have or "pronation". I did the wet foot on paper as found on this link. As far as I can tell I have a normal leaning towards high arch.  http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-240-319-326-7152-0,00.html#

They also discussed scrutinizing your old shoes to determine how the sole has worn: "Put your shoes on the edge of a table and crouch down so you're looking straight at the heels. If the heels have a distinct inward lean (toward the arch), you're probably an overpronator. If the heels are relatively straight and tall, you are a neutral runner. If the heels lean outward, you're probably an underpronator."

Both indicated I was normal with slightly high arch and should look for a "stability" shoe. I will be running on a treadmill at home and also a lake path that is a combination of pavement and gravel.

I created a list of probable shoes that have positive consumer reviews and I am planning on shopping this weekend. If you have any thoughts please dish! ;)

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R1 VLCD 51 155.6 (-1.8) Bye Bye Injections
Well I don't know about you but I was an Easter cheater! I didn't eat any candy but I enjoyed brunch: Pork roast, brussels sprouts, roasted yams, scalloped potatoes, Merlot and for dessert I had a mini gluten free brownie with hot fudge and raspberries.

At weigh in on Sunday I discovered I hadn't lost the prior day so I assumed I was done with my losses and I was on to my ovulation stall. Therefore, I gave myself permission to eat brunch. I didn't have dinner later that night. I only gained .6 from that cheat. Yesterday I was busy and didn't really eat too much. I stayed up and watched "Sex in the City" from my birthday "Chick basket" and I also had a Vodka with hibiscus. My husband picked up the hibiscus mix for me - it is the little things that count.

This morning I was down to 155.6! I was shocked. I guess this will be my "LIW" weight. So three more days of VLCD and I will be moving on. I am looking forward to adding foods- yogurt, tofu and bok choy with cashew butter, kale.
R1 VLCD 48 157.2 (-3.8) Wax Off!
I am ecstatic that I went past 40 injections. The last few days losses have been some of the best I have experienced since on protocol. I have been writing my weight on a calendar every day. I tacked it to the wall above my scale. I analyzed the days on protocol by numbering my monthly 30 day cycle and learned that I only lose weight the week after TOM and the week after ovulation. I will definitely capitalize on this in the future!

Spring is in the air and I am looking forward to warmer weather. Last night I was reflecting on warm summer nights with a good friend....camping, smores, chirping crickets, twinkling stars, the dancing flames of a crackling fire, smores....Bathing suit season! Ahhhhhhhh!!!! I am so happy that I might actually enjoy bathing suit shopping this year. ("Enjoy" is a rather strong word to use in the same sentence as bathing suit shopping. but nonetheless, I am forever the hopeful minimizer!)

So in preparation for our upcoming trip to Napa/SF I had my legs waxed and a pedi yesterday. I have a long time girlfriend that does nails and waxing. She works out of her home so I can take my daughter with me. We have known each other for years now and always pick up where we left off.

She is the kind of friend that is a mischievous instigator - nick named me "drunk girl" at girls bunco and put my underwear in the freezer at a sleepover one time! (The only time she has ever seen me drunk) Oh she is mean- she soaked my underwear and propped them over an orange juice can so they looked like an icy igloo in the morning.

Anyway, she always tells me to let my hairy legs grow out for as long as possible before that first waxing. I called her to schedule my appointment and told her I was ready because I looked like I was wearing half an ape suit! (Since she enjoys torturing me I'm wondering if this is just another trick that she delights in.)

I forgot how much the waxing hurts. Just that first Riiiiipppppp! White knuckles holding on to the table. Telling myself "breathe, breathe, go to a happy place!". My daughter even walked up to the table and said, "mommy, can I help you?". I yelled "no, no....save yourself baby!" She took off running for the living room.

I recall when I first met Michele, I was working full time, going to school full time and living on a budget. I discussed a bikini wax with her. I wanted to do it myself - to save money! She told me to use powder before applying the wax. To stretch my skin as tight as I could before removing the strip.

I am a dumb ass sometimes. I didn't have powder and decided to skip that part. I sat on the edge of the tub, applied the hot wax and strip, held my breath and ripped off the strip. I kinda lost my grip and my skin wasn't taught. It hurt so bad I fell off the tub. I looked down and the blood started pooling immediately. I had a huge bruise and chunks of wax on my bikini line.

I found a cotton pad and tried to rub at the wax chunks. The cotton fluff stuck to the wax! I decided to get the nail polish remover out to dissolve the wax! Ahhhhhh! I think after that I passed out. So there I was, I had a very fluffy white and purple bikini line! Good thing I didn't attempt a Brazilian.