Mommy Gone Milf Via HCG

I had an awesome Turkey day and I used it to load for round 3! Hubby decided to do a round with me. I am a couple days ahead of him because I didn't want to load again....after pigging out during our holiday. We were traveling so I ate like crap - but let myself.

I started round 3 VLCD on Monday at 162. This morning I am at 156.4 and I am remembering all of my tricks from before! Don't leave the house without an apple! Drink my lemon vanilla stevia water and green tea.

I am hoping my body will respond well to another round. I was off for 4 months. My last round I was down to just under 150. I had put back on about 8lbs....until load. I seem to stabilize around 158.

Of course I have not been running much since I went back to work. Things were really crazy and Lauren was not taking it well. She is starting to adjust now and not cry every day.

Hopefully I will have an awesome round 3 and get below my BMI overweight goal this time. I knew it would be tough for the holidays but I also knew I would be waayyyyyy up if I didn't start another round now instead of allowing myself to eat all the holiday food. It's almost easier for me to be on a strict diet and just know I can't have it!

I am back on Hucog injections of 250iu. I use mini mixing instructions and only inject 20ml. I'll keep you posted on our progress. Should be fun to watch Hubby - he started around 226.

Hope you are all doing well!

So going back to work has been a rough transition. It has been about 6 weeks now. Six very loooooong weeks. Lauren took the adjustment hard and has reverted back to crying at school every day and hanging off me, clinging like velcro baby, every minute we are together. Lots of acting out and defiance. The whining!!!! ugh!

The stress has been overwhelming at times and I feel like it is just now starting to be more manageable. I am getting to work on time, after I peel Lauren off and run for the car then burn rubber down the freeway towards work. Some days we both cry.

I am really enjoying my job and pursuing my career again. I have had a great time getting to know the people in my office. The environment is warm and relaxed. The majority of what I do right now is data analysis for healthcare, project management and NCQA reporting. So I am basically a nerd and I love that!

My health has suffered through this transition. I have gained 5lbs back and I have trouble finding time or energy to work out. I wake up at 5:30am and crash into bed exhausted by 9pm. I usually fall asleep with Lauren because I'm whooped.

Anyway, I am looking forward to being fully adjusted and being able to focus a little more on my goals again. Hope you are all well and gearing up for the holidays!

Yesterday we returned from our first trip to Vegas as parents. We left Lauren in very good hands but it was really hard.

Finally, after safety checks and command voices, I walk through the double sliding doors out onto the platform, the heat is a stifling 98 degrees. I was commanded to turn to the right and hold on to the railing so they can clip my harness on to the middle of my back - the view is amazing at sunset. I was petrified but knew it was too late....knuckles white!

I stood with toes hanging over the edge of the blue platform. Holding on to the rails at either side as I had been instructed. The harness was pushing me, I didn't like it. I had to squelch my automatic "flight or fight response". Neither option was appropriate. The attendant shouted  "here comes your countdown....3...2....1"....and I jump!

I fling myself from the platform just to end the overwhelming anxiety and immediately gravity grabs me and drags me toward the earth with such force it knocks the wind out of me and I exhale loudly - "Huh!!!" leaving my breath behind. It is crushing and I closed my eyes for a split second - I was thinking - how bad it sucked! ......and then

The harness slows me down and all of a sudden swoosh, I am floating....flying....soaring, arms stretched out wide and it is awesome. I jumped at sunset so I had the most amazing night sky and I could see the Vegas lights and then zzzzzziiiip! Booom...I landed....and I thanked god it was over!!!!!

It was a great exercise in facing my fears and living my life to the fullest....but I was so happy to be done!

One of the best experiences of my life! I did 10 weeks of training on an indoor treadmill listening to the 5K 101 podcast. As I trained I had a mini cheerleader to do stretches with and several times she stood in front of the treadmill yelling "go mama go". We often talked about my race and what to expect.

The 5K started at 7:30am and I had concerns that my husband would not have Lauren at the finish line. I really wanted her to share that experience with me. I decided to stay in a hotel downtown the night prior to the race.  The hotel was just 5 blocks from the starting line. Perfect for a warm up walk!

We all had a blast on the club level the night prior to the race. We relaxed and had a glass of wine and dessert as Lauren terrorized the club lounge. Actually, I ate too much dessert and that was after the cheeseburger! I wondered if I would pay for that on race day.

Back at the room I set out all my clothes, and Lauren's too, in preparation for race day. It was raining monsoon style. Apparently I was going to get drenched! I was debating on what to race in...I purposely picked up some moisture wicking clothes, just in case. I decided to wear my Komen race T-shirt.

I tossed and turned all night. It was loud downtown and Chris was snoring. I forgot my ear plugs!!! Lauren kicked me in the head all night and Chris flopped around. Every time he did my side of the bed would catapult me up in the air a little...

I arose at 5:30 a.m. because I was tired of staring at the ceiling. The plan was for me to get ready and sneak out at 7:00am to start the race at 7:30am and then they would meet me at the finish line around 8:00am. I had been running on the treadmill and it was taking me 38 minutes to run 3.15 miles. So they should have sufficient time to get there.

Just as I finished getting ready I put my head phones in and listened to some music. I was standing in the bathroom and I backed up bam, right into Lauren. Uh-oh! I started explaining that I needed to go because it was race day...she started crying and freaking out, clinging to my legs. My husband was laying in bed still.

I had to go in and tell him to get out of bed. Then I started yelling, you know what??? Get up, get ready!! I will get Lauren ready. I need to fucking leave this room in 15 minutes. I want a cup of coffee. I need to warm up and stretch. I need to find the starting line. Hurry up!! His response, "what did I do?". (Exactly!) In a tirade I yelled, "just fucking hurry up!!!!!"

He moved at a snails pace....and there it was - the scene I was trying to avoid. The one I had experienced over and over again. Why? Why did it have to be this way?? I got Lauren ready. I went in the bathroom and he was standing in the steamy hot carrera marble foo foo shower, arms folded, twirling slowly back and forth as the warm water cascaded over him from the rain shower heed. "Fucking hurry up I need to leave in 5 min!!!!" I screamed!

I found the starting line and relaxed a bit. I asked Lauren to stretch with me. I looked at my husband and said, "do you think you could take a picture of me - prior to the race?". He snapped a couple of pics before I went to the starting line. I lined up in the back of the pack at the "over 10:00 min mile sign".


Some people were running in pink wings and tu tu's. Funny how I was so worried about what to wear. The announcer called out - 1 minute til race time! I started my playlist and put in my ear phones. The race started, the crowd began jogging in place and then stopped. There were so many of us. It took nearly 2 minutes to reach the starting line and cross the chip timer. Boom, I was off!

I bobbed and weaved through the crowd and paced myself. It was uphill! I clung to the outside and avoided potholes and max line tracks. Eventually, I found a decent pace and reached flat ground. I already had a stitch in my side, was that the cheeseburger and desserts? I pushed on and told myself to buck up!

About that time I looked up and saw an on duty police officer I knew, standing at attention. I weaved over to the side and lined up for my high 5. We exchanged smiles and then, Smack! I pressed on.

I ran passed drag shows,  dread  locks, cheerleaders and many things that made me smile and gave me inspiration. Each moment created a new snapshot in my mind. My heart ached for the people wearing the "in memory of" banners and I kept telling myself I had nothing to complain about. Was it her mom she lost, her aunt?, I thought, she is so young.

As I ran and pushed and breathed and paced I re-played the past nine months in my mind. Last November I had a huge fight with my husband where I got in the car with Lauren and drove to my sister's house. I needed the separation. It was the turning point that motivated me to face reality and re-build myself.

I began setting goals and facing fears. I lost some additional weight with Hcg, went skiing again, planted my first organic garden, ran over the Golden Gate Bridge, got my braces put back on, enrolled Lauren in pre-school, found a job and now I was running my first 5K.

Next weekend we are taking our first adult trip (to Vegas) since Lauren was born. I will be jumping off the stratosphere hurling myself away from what was and towards the next chapter in my life. I am excited to be able to re-start my career. To re-gain the financial independence I had worked so hard for. I snapped back to reality.

As I ran I listened to my playlist so I knew how long I had been running. I had memorized the times and the order. My last two songs were Veronica's Untouched and then ACDC Thunderstruck. Songs I placed at the end knowing I would need the accelerated tempo to press on. I was getting really fatigued, I started praying, "Lord lift me up and carry me".

I turned a corner and ran under a bridge looking ahead. People pushing baby strollers were passing me! I could see the balloons from the starting line waaaaaay down the street. Oh crap, that is a long way still. Veronica's were on, would I finish within my goal of 38 minutes? You can do it, you can do it, I commanded! Push, Push!!! Lauren is there waiting for me. I picked up my pace.

Just then, I realized. The finish line was 5 blocks from the starting line. I saw a crowd coming up ahead. I started sprinting!!! I was frantically searching the crowd on both sides of the finish line for my girl's sweet little face, where is she?, where is she?, where is she??? I want to burn a memory of empowerment into her mind. I want her to know she can follow her dreams and achieve them with hard work and tenacity.

I started applying for jobs and interviewing a few weeks ago. Yesterday I was offered a job.

The position is dynamic and a lot of work and will entail project management, data analysis and reporting, presentations, training...etc. I am thrilled to have found something that I can sink my teeth into. I really didn't want to go back to an entry level position after working so hard in the past to take my career to another level-  while I was also going to school.

In this economy and after being off work for three years  - I am absolutely grateful! Bonus - the office is located about 5 miles from my house and I get to wear jeans unless required otherwise. I will be hitting the Macy's weekend sale to spend my first paycheck in advance!

I am looking forward to my 5K Sunday, Vegas trip the following weekend and starting work on the 29th. It will bring change to our family and our home. I already have Lauren placed at a private school where she knows her surroundings, teacher and friends. The transition was as smooth as can be expected. I hope the next phase goes as smoothly.

I AM SO ECSTATIC TO REGAIN MY FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE!!!! WORDS CANNOT EXPLAIN....

I signed up for the timed race! I've committed to pushing myself and facing fears this year so I just "did it". Of course, I am banking on the fact that there will probably be a lot of other people running their first 5k too. My plan is to stay to the back and sides of the pack and try not to piss anyone off or embarrass myself.

The race will be chip timed. I was excited to learn what "chip time" is because I really want to know my final race time so I can use that as a point of reference for future races. Apparently the chip is attached to my race number and a mat at the start and finish lines will record my time. This method of timing is more accurate because it doesn't measure time based upon when the gun or horn goes off but when you personally cross the mat.

I am in my final week of 5K 101 training and yesterday I ran the planned 30 minutes and then just kept going until I ran for 34 minutes  - because I liked the song playing on my ipod.

I love music and using my ipod is so incredibly motivating! My favorite song to run to right now is The Veronica's "Untouched". I also love AC/DC "Thunderstruck", David Bowie "Modern Love", Boston "Foreplay/Long Time", U2 "Where the Streets Have No Name", Motley Crue "Girls, Girls, Girls". Yes I grew up in the 80's! Woo hoo....still love those hair bands!

Ok, so I went to register for my first 5k and I didn't realise that I would have to choose between timed vs. untimed. Kinda conjured up images of me getting trampled, pissing people off who are serious racers and coming in dead last!!! Stupid fears again. I had originally envisioned starting at the back of the pack and just blending in with the rest of the slow pokes.

My training is going well, I am on my last day of week 7 of 5K 101 podcast. I warm up 5min, and then alternate running 12 min with walking for 3 min in between sets. So 3 sets of 12 and running for 36 minutes. At this point I am ready to do week 8 and run for 30 min straight. My race is 17 days away. So I know I can drag myself over the finish line....even if I have to gimp.

I would love any input on what to expect and for you guys to kick me in the arse and tell me to go for the timed race!!!! Ok....please commence arse kicking!

(Thanks for the love by the way, I missed u guys too!)

I am still here. It has been six weeks of summer fun and visiting with relatives. I have just started looking for a job. I am still running and am in week 7 on my 5k training with my first 5k on 9/19. I fell off my running schedule and paid dearly for it. Last time I ran I had a stitch in my side and had to cut it short. I'm hoping today will go better.

I stopped injections and completely fell off the wagon. I weighed 153 this morning. I have stabilized there and I am eating normally. I feel great and it has been so awesome to spend a summer looking good and not beating myself up mentally about how I look.

I am still here. I never made it to my 148.2 goal. I was so mentally tortured about it for a few days. I started having a rough time last week. On Monday I was yellow and my hair was shedding. I think I may have reached either immunity or a plateau.

I kept on going but I have been hungry and it has been hard not to eat more. I went back up to 150lbs one day. I have been down a bit the last two days. TOM is here now. I am taking a break from injections. I think after TOM I may try for another week to drop a bit more. If I can't I will just go into P3. Doing 5k training is tough in P2.

I just started week 4 of 5k training. Today was the first day it was challenging. The interval was: run for 4 min walk for 1 min - repeat 5 times. I had to push myself to get through it but I did it. I enjoy working out again!

Lauren started preschool on Monday and I was relieved and elated at how well she did. She did not cry when we left and seems to like her teacher. She asked to go back again. In the picture - she insisted on carrying her backpack all by herself with no help!!

Adjusting to the structure will be interesting. When we arrived all the children were seated quietly around a table eating breakfast. My husband leaned over to me and whispered "how do they get them to do that???"

We told Lauren we were going shopping to buy her a big chocolate chip cookie and she could stay and play with the kids and we would bring her cookie back. I looked up and there were about 10 kiddies looking at me with the "cookie???" face. You know the one with big round puppy eyes?? I thought, "Doh! rookie, don't say cookie in a room full of preschoolers!!!".

I went to the gym to workout with my husband when Lauren was at preschool. It felt wierd. We haven't worked out together since I was pregnant. I'm glad that we did though because it helped me deal with my anxiety. I almost cracked and cried once but I bucked up.....until I got back in the car anyway. :)

Only .4 from my 50lbs and getting off BMI overweight scale....which kept me in check this past weekend. I was surprised a little because on the 4th through out the day I ate an egg scramble, veggie burger and potato salad, angel food cake with berries and a blended margarita. I thought I was in for it on weigh in yesterday but I didn't have a gain. (whew!)

Maybe it's from the 5k training??? I am almost done with week two and it is going really well. It is a little tougher if I can't manage to get on the treadmill until noon or so....like yesterday I was whooped because I couldn't get on the treadmill till 1pm by the time I ate I was so fatigued. I forgot to take my B vitamins too so when I was out running around looking at sports bras and shorts I was tanking. I went into the Whole Foods next to REI and bought a B vitamin drink.

A glimpse at the irony of this diet: This morning I got up hoping to weigh in in the 140's. I was thirsty when I arose and I grabbed the big glass of water on the night stand, glug, glug, glug.......Oh shit! I forgot to weigh in!

I spent 2 hours trying to pee out the glass of water. My coffee was in the kitchen calling me!! all lonely.....and sad. So I finally went to the bathroom 1 more time and pushed everything out of my bladder as hard as I could!!! I stripped down and hopped on the scale - (cue choir of angels - Laaaaaaaaa!!!) 149.6. Yippy Skippy!

This morning I weighed in at 150.4 after having started my 5K training and seeing a weight spike for a few days. I was up to 152.4 yesterday. Maybe....just maybe.....I will get to see the 140's tomorrow. I am going to try to keep myself in check this weekend. I love the 4th of July!!!! Such a fun holiday.

5K training has been awesome. It feels so good to work out again. Today, when I was supposed to be resting I really wanted to get on the treadmill. I guess almost 50 lbs lost makes a huge difference....and I usually carry around a 35lb toddler, up and down the stairs, etc.

I had to go buy more new underwear again because they were getting so baggy - perma wedge! I am buying size 6 bottoms and medium tops now. So nice to go shopping and have things fit again. I still need to go through my closet and donate all my old clothes.

Hope you all have a great 4th!

I was on the cusp of breaking into the 140's and then....a few things happened. I went out to a family dinner and indulged a smidge. I ate a few bites of my husband's pizza and had a glass of wine. I only gained .6 from that but now I'm ovulating and......

I finally started the Couch to 5k program. It is not recommended that you begin an exercise regimen in P2 - I know that! However, there is something more important to me than doing what I'm told right now - that is doing what I want! The Susan G. Komen in September.

For the last several years I have watched it sail by as I sat on the sidelines wishing I was in better shape and able to run a 5k. No more lusting after 5k's. No more beating myself up. This year I will just do it! I have to start training.

So yesterday I put on my fancy running shoes I bought a couple months ago and I blew the dust off the treadmill. I had my own princess cheerleader (fully adorned in purple satin dress and pink sparkling crown) who stood by exclaiming, "you are doing it mommy, good job". Of course her cheers turned to "get off there mommy, stop it" after a while.....but I had my new boyfriend (ipod) on so I just pointed to my earphones and yelled "I can't hear you sweetie" really loud. I kept going....and yelling and playing dumb.

I was following one of the Couch to 5k programs. The one I was looking at started with a 5 min walk, then 2 min jog, 5 min walk. but I decided to start by pushing a little to run for 3 min instead of 2. After 3 min I kinda expected the ol' stitch in the side and to eventually collapse, fall on the treadmill and ziiiipppppp bamm! Hit the wall.

After a warm up and moderate jogging for 3 min I thought....coool I'm doing it......4 min....seriously!.......5 min.......wtf???.......6 min.....huh?.....7 min.....maybe I should stop?? So I did. I wasn't uncomfortable, I just knew the program did a little interval switch up at 6 min so I thought maybe I should stop there. I didn't want to over do it. I did my 5 min cool down along with some light upper body strength training with my 5lb dumbbells.

This morning I was rewarded with a +1.8lb on the scale. I expected it. As always, this diet is mind over matter or psychology over flabalanche and the best advice I can give is this.....SHAKE IT OFF, CHECK YOUR ATTITUDE AND KEEEP GOING!! I will stay on P2 until the end of July even though I am training now.

Speaking of going. Another motivating factor for me is that the weekend after Susan G. we are going to Vegas for our anniversary. I want to be toned and fit. I also decided that (along the lines of pushing myself and facing fears this year) I am going to do the Sky Jump off the Stratosphere!

Stinkin' scale just couldn't give me that extra ounce this am! I'm getting ready for the 140's, only 1.8lbs from my 50lb total loss and coming up on ovulation so I hope I get there soon!

I was having a blast in the back yard today with Lauren. I got the kiddy pool out and umbrellas, sunhat, magazine, music, etc. We had fun. I wanted to make a margarita martini sooooo bad. I make it with my 3, 2, 1 recipe: 3oz of white Tequila, 2oz of cheap Cointreau and the juice of 1 lime, with a dash of agave but I'm thinking about trying it with stevia. I salt only 1/2 of the rim of my martini glass. Kick ass! (That's five shots if you're counting) Just talked myself into one I think :)

I hope you are all enjoying your summer!

I have had a busy week but wanted to do a quick update. I started on Hucog again last Saturday. I had taken 5 days off after 20 inj of Ovidac and then TOM. I did sneak in a couple of no no's before starting again - but I didn't load. I had couple of cheater meals- sushi and Thai food. I'm not sure how I should label my days now??

I started at 155.8 and this morning I was at 151. So I lost inches with Ovidac and as soon as I started Hucog again my weight went down about 4 lbs in a week.  I'm still focused with a vengeance on 148 which will put me at a total of 50 lbs lost and will kick that BMI "overweight" label square in the arse.

Having these milestones in mind is keeping me on track. Especially when my husband took us to a "Five Guys" burgers last week. I didn't order anything I just compulsively crunched on my chopped "apples a la ziploc" while I walked through the line. I tasted two bites of his and it was really good. Mean!!!

I noticed for the second time that taking Lauren swimming makes me stall for a day. Not sure if it is the chlorine or just water retention. Anyway, we have been having some summer fun with cousins and neighbors- finally the weather is warmer. We also have our plastic pool out back and we have been doing a lot of chalk drawing and bubbles.....I know- soooo exciting.

I have lost the past three days.....I stopped my injections the past three days??? Weird that the last couple lbs I dropped were the days that I skipped. Funny thing is TOM is finally here today and I don't usually lose then. I will go at least three more skip days and then hopefully my Hucog will be here.

I guess this is a planned interruption and according to Simeons I can go for up to 14 days on a planned interruption by consuming 800 calories a day (adding protein: meat, eggs, cheese and milk, after 3 days of skipping injections). No dairy for me though. Correct me if I'm wrong on the interruption!

I feel great and I'm not tired or fatigued. If I need to I will up my protein a little. I'm looking forward to seeing if the interruption and Hucog will make me lose again so I am being careful not to cheat because I don't want to recover from a cheat right now. Besides, my new skinny jeans are getting baggy! I am 5 lbs from a 50 lb total loss! I am 5 lbs from getting off the BMI overweight scale! Can't wait.

Hope you are all having a great day!

I knew you guys would read this if I mentioned balls in the tag line! Naughty! Naughty!

Seriously, my mouth and teeth have been so raw and sore this last week. Thank goodness for the wax that they give you to roll up and put on your braces. My mouth has finally mostly recovered. Although, I have to learn to eat again.

Protocol is tough with braces. I have been trying to make soups and I ended up trying to eat scrambled eggs and tofu just to get some protein. I had the shakes so bad by the third day. I ended up making a really yummy cucumber, cilantro, garlic and lime soup.

I went to the store the other day and I was famished by the time I got in the car to drive home. I love pink lady apples and I eat them almost every day. (You cannot eat apples without cutting them up when you have braces.) I had to laugh at myself when I tried to eat the apple while driving home. I kept gnawing and gnawing but I couldn't get a bite off. It was like a beaver gnawing on a steel pipe!

I put the apple in the fruit bowl when I got home. My husband picked it up and said, "what the hell happened to this apple?" I looked at it perplexed and said "I dunno, looks like a beaver got ahold of it!".

My weight is not dropping off this round. As a matter of fact I am still hovering between 155 and 154. The weight I ended at on round one. I am trying to stay on protocol and not blow it because I don't want to have to work off the 6 lbs I have lost - again.

Since this protocol is call Pounds & Inches I took my measurements yesterday. I found out that even though I am at the same weight I have lost almost 5 combined inches off my arms, legs, hips, waist and chest. A little encouragement I needed.

This round I tried Ovidac and last round I used Hucog. This morning I ordered some more Hucog to see if that is the difference. Always thinking and wondering why things work the way they do on this diet. I am taking a couple days off from injections because TOM will be here soon anyway. I'm hoping Hucog will show up in time to start injections again. Maybe the second vial of Ovidac will be good for re-shaping.

Hope you are all well!

I am still on protocol and hanging in there. Losses have been slow since I cheated right away. After recovering from the cheat I stalled due to ovulation. As soon as I was over that I went to the orthodontist.

I had started on invisalign braces a few years ago but once I was pregnant I fell off the wagon. I beat myself up about it almost every day. Just like a diet, I kept telling myself "I will start on Monday". After I had the baby I kept trying to start over but never stuck with it. I was so exhausted and so overwhelmed I didn't have the self discipline to stick with it.

Fast forward 2.5 years and in consultation the orthodontist informed me that they disposed of my invisalign trays. It would cost $1500 to replace them or $800 to get regular braces. (They had already been paid $6500) I had a very emotionally loaded decision to make.

This issue was on a list of issues my husband authored back in December - reasons why he was so angry at me. I have been focusing on myself (avoiding falling into a co-dependent abyss) and stuffing my emotions towards him since then because I didn't want to "fix" him and he didn't want to own his own crap.

In January we discussed and agreed that we would go to counseling (counselor of his choice and he would go in first since he was so incredibly angry). He has been dragging his feet and has only gone twice since January. I have been to one appt. I think over time his anger has subsided but we are left with resentments and unresolved issues.

Anyhoo, things really came to a head this week due to the impending orthodontist decision. I told him it was difficult for me because I was so offended that he was basically complaining about my "face". Once I got started I didn't stop, I just took the last six months of emotions and let him have it. Not in an out of control way but in a "this is where we are at" way and confronted him about dragging his feet on counseling and not owning his own shit. He said he wasn't even sure he wanted to go....I spun on my heel and left heading towards the orthodontist. I just didn't care to respond.

I chose braces. Shorter treatment plan of a year and I know this time I won't be able to fall off the wagon. I'm not thrilled about it but it was the best decision for me at the time. Braces are important to me and on a list of goals that I had for myself. I am happy to be back on track so I don't have to beat myself up over it anymore. I feel a sense of relief about it, and about letting my husband know where I am at emotionally and in our relationship.

That night, on a family shopping trip to the grocery store, they were playing in the reading glasses section. I picked out the most atrocious pair of black horn rimmed glasses I could find, flashed my husband an Ugly Betty style smile, and said "do I make you horny baby?". His face read a combination of shock and utter disbelief. I laughed hysterically and thought to myself "fine - no fellatio for a year!"

I was very careful not to turn to food to soothe my negative emotions this week. I spent a lot of time on the phone with my girlfriends (who think I look adorable in braces). I finally broke into new territory today and lost a new pound! Yea :(#)

Food prep - in order to have food readily available and keep myself on track I measured protein portions in batches and made ziploc bags for the freezer. I often cooked several meat portions on the foreman and left them in the fridge. The foreman is a life saver!

Emotions - daily weigh in triggers a roller coaster of emotions. If you lose you are happy and if you don't you are crabby. On injection skip day I was crabby. The first major upset I faced forced me to learn about emotional eating and I did some research on brain chemistry: dopamine, tryptophan, endorphins and seratonin, in regards to emotional eating. "Self medicating" through eating.

Negative emotions - If I had negative emotions I learned to recognize them and to be aware that they were a trigger.  If I cheated I learned to forgive myself, brush it aside and move on. You will completely derail yourself if you don't learn to do this. Negative emotions can trap you in a circular behavior of eating to medicate yourself thus causing more negative emotions that you will eat to medicate....etc.

(I had to work really hard on fighting negative emotions. Things that worked for me: I fell in love with music again and blew the dust off my iPod and loaded it with my favorite songs. I got a pedicure, called my friends and blogged. I spent a lot of time researching and reading about things I am interested in. I took hot Epsom salt baths and/or had a small glass of wine. I focused on goals and planning fun things I haven't enjoyed in a while. I tried to force negative thoughts out of my head by focusing on positive things. Even if I had to start over again every day!)
Cheating - I carried an apple and melba toast (glutino breadsticks) with me everywhere. I avoided eating out. Even ordering a chicken salad would stall me because of the oils they prep the food with. A couple times I brought my own meat and just ordered a house salad. I would allow myself to have a bite of something I wanted- one bite doesn't stall me and I can usually stop after one bite, usually. I could not leave food on the kitchen counter or I would start grazing. Too much physical exertion made me have more cravings. I traveled with my scale. I planned cheats on big occasions.

Stalling - I tracked my weight loss on a paper calendar (I tacked to the wall above my scale) and therefore I made the observation that I stall during ovulation and TOM. An apple day only made me suffer during these times and I learned to wait it out. Brain chemistry again, I read that your pituitary gland releases the "luteinizing hormone" which stimulates the ovary to release estradiol, progesterone, and androgens in a cyclical manner during ovulation. So I'm not surprised that my body won't release fat at that time. It's busy.

To lose more - I made sure to note the days of the month during my cycle that I would lose more and I try not to cheat on those days. A couple times I ate 2 egg whites and 1 egg with spinach to break a stall - better than an apple day. I hated the apple day I did. I lose more on days I eat raw veggies with my protein, as opposed to cooking my veggies. Believe it or not I lose more when I eat beef. Of course fluids help you lose more so lemon water with vanilla stevia helped me drink more fluids. Teas are awesome and besides, green tea I also drank chocolate Yerba Mate with vanilla stevia and occasionally roasted dandelion (diuretic - read about it before drinking).

Side effects - I had some hair loss. I felt a dull ache in my sides on the days I was losing. I got headaches and crabby on skip days. I had occasional bruising from the injections. I started taking liquid B vitamins for more energy.

Mixing - after my first few starving and fatigued days at 200iu injections I bumped my dosage to 225iu and then finally 250iu. Again, I do not instruct you to do this - figure it out on your own. This dosage is what my body responded to. It is the maximum suggested. On the second mixing I followed "mini" mixing instructions and diluted with less Bact water. This made the amount I had to inject much smaller. I inject into my belly fat by pinching my skin tightly between my thumb and index finger and then inserting the needle slowly - pinching makes it hurt less. Mind over matter!

Phase 3 - phase 3 was a snap as soon as I learned it was all about the protein. After the first week of phase 3 I started eating 6 meals a day but with a lot more protein. I stuck with lean protein and I didn't go for the bacon. I added tofu, berries, kale, brussels sprouts, etc. back in. I liked the roasted chicken day for correction. Roast and pick at an entire chicken for the day (less crabby).

Phase 4 - was a flop for me and I will have to learn more next time. At the end of phase 3 the dairy really started to get to me. In phase 4 I ate frozen yogurt and mac and cheese and it really started a downslide for me. I didn't correct right away and ended up stabilizing at 3 lbs over LIW. My allergies returned and my face broke out. I really looked forward to round 2 because of this. I will add foods back more slowly in my next phase 4.

So an update and a mishap....

I went out on a date with my husband Friday night to an 80's VJ night. We got a really nice room so we didn't have to worry about driving. The next day we had a wonderful breakfast and went to see Iron Man II before picking Lauren up.

It was such a blast. I hadn't danced like that in so long. All the music was 80's dance music and everyone knew and sang all the words. It is so funny how you can just dance in a group of total strangers and everyone will smile and laugh and no one cares that you don't know each other.

My husband kept getting too hot and walking off to go cool down but I didn't want to stop dancing because it is such a rare opportunity for us to get out. I kept sneaking back out by myself. At one point he got pissed and I just told him - "look, you only live once and I don't get out that often so I am going to make the most of it and I don't give a shit if you are hot. I will just go dance until you come back." It worked out fine that way. I never would have done that when I was younger.

I did blow my diet but I didn't care. I'm back on track.

An Unfortunate Event: apparently my mom saw my blog. In her opinion it was intentional. She doesn't understand how the URL address bar and cookies works. She thought I left it on her computer to purposely hurt her. My sister, brother, father and niece all explained how the address just stays there after you have been on the website- she didn't listen and didn't care. She was going to grill my niece about it so I called her to own it. It is my blog and I didn't want her grilling my niece. I managed to block my blog before she read all the posts. She only saw the last couple.

On the phone she just screamed a long hysterical tirade of mean nasty words, I caught "you finagling little bitch, how dare you come to my house and leave that up on my computer, I'm done with you, don't you ever come over here again", blah, blah. Apparently she had been obsessing about the clean up of hoarding downstairs also and I was told that she blamed it on me and thought I was the one who planned it. So the blog didn't help nor did the fact that we booked a vacation rental for when my sister comes to visit without consulting her. The sad thing is we were going to take her on a mother daughter spa day when we were there.

So I have been mulling over the years of verbal, mental and physical abuse from her. I realise I am just done. After your entire family has an intervention with you and asks you to get help - and you won't - there isn't much left. (Going to counseling for a few appointments and not owning your own crap doesn't count. )

There is a limit. I just reached mine. It's funny her counselor said the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I understand what that means now.

Just checking in. I had TOM from hell this month so I put off loading until yesterday. I do attribute this to the HCG. I NEVER have periods with terrible cramps and bleeding for 5 days. My cycle is 2 days shorter as well.

I intended on trying Corion and I was really excited about it until I opened my box yesterday and discovered that I had Ovidac instead. So apparently I am trying Ovidac and I will let you know if I think there is any notable difference from Hucog.

I am sticking to healthy fats for loading and just adding extra fats by cooking and roasting everything with coconut and olive oil. Yesterday I had-  Breakfast: 3 eggs in coconut oil with avocado, black beans and salsa. Lunch: chicken salad with spring mix, roasted eggplant, blackberries and a nutty dressing I made with cashew/almond flax butter. Dinner: ribeye with roasted asparagus, portobello and purple onion. I did eat a cheeseburger the other night - which I never do anymore. I think it is the 4th one since August 09.

Eating a bunch of junk just makes me break out in eczema, get headaches, joint pain and make my gallbladder flare up. It isn't fun for me so I am avoiding that.

This week I will be writing a summary of my first round and posting round 2 starting measurements and a pic - sans head! Just not in a bathing suit because that is my hang up on the pics.

Yesterday I was barracuda cranky! First thing in the morning my 2 year old (fit) kicked over my entire (first) cup of coffee on the carpet. I got to use the new bissel steam cleaner...then scrub with oxyclean....then bissel.....scrub..etc

During my 2 hour clean up she peppered me with a slew of requests, can you change my diaper?...can I have some food?...can I watch Dora????....mama what are you doing????? It took every ounce to keep it together. I snapped a couple of times and she booked out of the room.

We had "The Talk" about how it wasn't an accident if it occured because of a fit and "appropriate behavior" and we hugged and made up and moved on. Soon after I noticed TOM showed up and I thought she was lucky to have survived the incident!

We went shopping for lots of meat and some new red wine to try. (Still Cranky and the lack of food didn't help because I had already commited to a steak day.) I have been looking for a red wine I love that isn't expensive so I can drink it for my 1 or 2 glasses a day and buy by the case. 

Blowing off steam, we shop in toys and clothes and then she poops her diaper so we go back out to the car, but, I decide to purchase the clothes and toys first. She announces to everyone in line she went poo poo! I laugh hysterically.

We return to the store with toys and I spend a lot of time shopping and getting peppered with more 2 year old demands and comments while reading labels and shopping for the wine I want to try next. I'm totally ready to snap or cry from a ton of anxiety but I buck up and carry on.

In the wine section I am scanning for the wines I have researched and Lauren says for the 20th time, "mama can we go home?", I respond...."as soon as I have enough wine in this cart we can go home sweetie!". I bust up laughing because it was better than crying at that point. I spin around to face a woman (with toddler) who's expression reflects that of utter shock and disgust in response to my wine comment. (I make a mental observation that she and I would NEVER be friends and wheel away towards the ribeye steaks.)

I ended up grabbing a bottle of Ménage à Trois Red because I have heard on 4 separate occasions from complete strangers that it is good and cheap. Let's face it....you won't forget the name of that one either.

Driving home I watch Lauren in the rearview mirror while repeatedly chanting in my head "please fall asleep" and I have a fleeting thought about how I might start drinking the Ménage à Trois if I could suck the cork out of the bottle. Uh- hem, that's illegal and wrong (have I mentioned I'm married to law enforcement???) so I stick with the Theo chocolate. Lauren falls asleep, I get a well deserved break.

At home I waived my steak a couple of times over the foreman to warm it up. I had 2 glasses of wine. I liked the wine- juicy blackberry chased by pepper and good aftertaste. I'm no expert but that is what I like. The last wine I tried before that sucked - Ruggero Di Tasso Nero D'Avola.

It was more like rubbing alcohol followed by an old shoe aftertaste. My cousin gave it to me commenting on how expensive it was. I decided to look it up to see if it got good reviews or if it was considered a good wine and why???? and maybe my pallet was off??? I had a much needed laugh - Trader Joe's $4.99. She is a funny cookie!

I dropped 1 lb from steak day and today I am doing a chicken day.

I am still here and learning lessons. After I went to Seattle my weight had spiked up a couple lbs but I didn't want to do a correction day (stubborn) and I was hoping to just do clean eating and it would go back down....like it did in P3....but oh no, uh uh. So I am very puffed up and PMS is here!

I am close to being able to start round 2 and I already have my kit. I am going to try Corion this time. I know I haven't been as disciplined as I should and so I need to get back on track. I need to spend this week doing correction or I will start at over 160 on my next round. I don't really want to do that. :( I'm really worried it won't come off now.

Allergies are part of the problem and I have noticed weight spikes with retention following high dairy days. I am also breaking out in eczema again and having abdominal pain from new food I have introduced. I miss P2 because of this.

Last week I was busy enrolling Lauren in preschool. I am excited for her to start but I am sick with worry. It has been such a luxury and a blessing for me to be able to stay home with her. She is going to start with 2 short days a week in July and when I go back to work in the fall we will bump up her time there up to 4 days a week. I am purposely doing this so she has some adjustment time.

Hope you all have a great week!

Anyway, I had a little mad money so I spent without guilt. Hubby even commended me on my self control because he had checked the accounts. I loved when they picked me up at the train station and Lauren was so happy to see me.  She was jumping up and down SCREAMING mama, mama!

Diet is shot to hell right now......

Current Weight: 156.8
+/- LIW: (+1.2)

Weight was down today after eating a billion mini muffins yesterday???? And then there's agave....

O Agave how I love you....let me count the ways (or not). You guys scared the crap out of me yesterday - as my brother would say, "what??? we can't give up all of our vices". His vices started way further up on the vices hierarchy (up near the ones you light on fire and smoke). He made that statement after he gave up all his vices and his coffee was threatened. I am with him on the coffee....don't f*in go there!!!!

Interesting read on the Agave. Apparently if you use the Organic Raw Blue Agave you are better off. It is processed without chemicals at 118 degrees so it is not as refined. I was using this type purely by accident but I am glad to know this. Of course there is the "M" word again - MODERATION!

There is so much to consider when using sweeteners and it really depends on the status of your own health and your own concerns and risk factors. I still hesitate with honey because Lauren has had such a battle with allergies and her immune system and possible bacteria is a concern for me. Yesterday she got diarrhea from eating 3 dried apricots. She is so sensitive.

On the other hand if fructose and liver disease or blood sugars are a concern in your family you may make another decision. Different sweeteners have a different impact on insulin and blood sugar levels or weight loss.

As always, there are no easy answers but I'm glad you made me think about it! Maybe I'll stop taking shots straight from the agave bottle.....maybe.....

Friday brought the return of starches and sugars in my life (since Valentine's Day). Of course I over indulged! I started with sweet potatoes for breakfast, I consumed Yo Cream (chocolate mint frozen yogurt with mini choco chips) while out shopping and wrapped up with our favorite Teriyaki place (white rice, tofu cabbage plate). Although I tried to control my portions by eating out of small bowls, weigh in the next morning was a stern reflection of my lack of self control. Ooopsie!

Anyhoo, I have been enjoying baking again. I did a spring clean on my pantry and went to Ikea for a new set of glass pantry canisters for my gluten free ingredients. I also hit the bulk Bob's Red Mill flour section. Applying what I have learned about gluten free flour by being able to purchase from the bulk bins (so cheap!) was a tremendous reward (I picked up some black bean flour for my brownie bites). Upon going gluten free I didn't have a clue about discerning quinoa from millet, etc. I have come a long way since September '09.

This weekend I made a couple batches of mini brownies and muffins. (I love my mini cupcake pan because it helps me with portion control.) Inspired by a black bean brownie recipe I saw, I made a batch of brownies with black bean flour and also a batch of oat, lemon and blueberry muffins too. I have learned to appreciate raw organic blue agave (complex carb that doesn't spike blood sugar levels) and coconut oil (full of omega 3's) in baking. I am enchanted and amazed that using a combination of bean and rice flours makes a complete protein when baking gluten free treats. All of these ingredients metabolise differently and offer numerous health benefits in sharp contrast to traditional baked goods and ingredients.

Finally, I found the most amazing farmer's market a couple weekends ago and thus started a little mini organic lettuce and kale patch out in my half wine barrels. Easier to contain, manage and for me - kill off and swiftly dispose of. I am an A.D.D. gardener and I have a brown thumb. I was surprised to find my lemon thyme and oregano lived through winter! Stubborn little buggers were awesome on my sweet potatoes!

Current Weight: 157.2
+/- LIW: (+1.6)
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I just ordered my second round of hCG and I am about 3 weeks away from loading. Right now I am coming to terms with having lost over 40 lbs and I am trying to adjust to my new self image. The psychology and emotions involved during weight loss have surprised me. Maybe following such a structured diet has brought this to the surface??? Anyway, from reading other blogs I see that I am not alone in dealing with these issues.

The first thing I noticed was the need to address emotional eating. It surfaced in phase 2 when I had to deal with anxiety and stress from my family, husband and life in general. Relational stress is definitely more of a trigger for me. My slips usually occur as a result.

I also know that my weight gain came in a time where I was under a tremendous amount of emotional stress. Not from the pregnancy but when my husband returned to work. Much conflict from unmet expectations crept into our marriage. Those issues eventually erupted like a scalding hot geyser and are still unresolved.

The overall Psychology of weight loss is something I have been learning about. I don't want to re-gain my weight. I have some serious fears regarding that. This last year I have been changing me, my behaviors and thought process. I don't want to be lumped into the statistic: 85-90 percent of people regain their weight within 3-5 years. Did you know blogging is one of the best ways to prevent that??? Yea us!!

I am now a size 10 again and my mind hasn't caught up with my body. Some days I still beat myself up with the negative "fat" talk. I read an article on Phantom Fat and came across a book "The Body Has a Mind of It's Own". I'm going to see if I can pick up a used copy. I think it would be a good read....and re-read.

In summary. Life never ceases to amaze me and I have found that weight loss slowly bubbles up issues to the surface, emotional and psychological, like an effervescent glass of champagne (which I will consume in another 2 days 18 hrs and 30 min.).

So glad you are all here with me!

Current: 157.4 +/- LIW: +1.8

Yesterday I finally got back down to 155 again. It took a steak day, followed by a chicken day and then 2 days of clean eating to get my weight or water retention down. TOM showed up when I was trying out my protein days so that just made it harder. Anyway, I lost 1.4 on my first real steak day.

Last night we went to a steak house we haven't been to in a long time. It really grossed me out. The stench of grease was disgusting. Lauren wouldn't even eat the fries - that oughta tell ya right there. Told my husband I was sorry but I didn't think I would go there again. I came home and chugged a ton of lemon water, green tea and dandelion tea.

My poor baby has a UTI and I took her to the Naturopath yesterday after a fever spike and urinating burning sensation on Thursday night. I have been pumping her full of vitamins, cranberry juice, lemon water, probiotics, and Apis from the ND. The stevia is good at getting her to drink the juices. We are trying to allow her body to fight it off and I DO NOT want to give her antibiotics and wipe out all the work we have done repairing her immune system. Antibiotics are on stand by in the fridge. I am keeping a very close eye on her.

The last time we went to the M.D. it was for a chest cold. Before the appointment I told her the M.D. needed to listen to her cough. (I always try to tell her what we are doing and what to expect.)  Yesterday I explained that we need to go to the N.D. to get her "owie" checked. She put one hand on her hip, threw the other one up in the air and exclaimed, "yeah mom, da doctor needs to listen to my butt because it's burnin! We need to make me all better". I died laughing.

I was super pissed at my husband for going to Krav Maga instead of the N.D. with me. I was really worried and thought they may have to catheterize Lauren to get a urine sample. I had been up the night before watching her fever and worrying because UTI's are not to be taken lightly. I was so scared driving to the appointment I was shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up - I just wished I had some support.  Anyway, they did not cath her and it went better than expected but I still wanted to kick him square in the "twig and berries"....maybe two kicks....and an eye poke! So residual is that I have been a real BITCH today. Oh well....sucks to be him right now.

Lauren is doing better. Just waiting and watching.

One point that was repeatedly reiterated in the volumes of green information I perused is that, generally, what is good for our health is also good for the environment. A full circle philosophy. Many of the diet and health choices you and I have been making are "green".

I have mentioned going organic before but I did some reading on prioritizing the produce I should select in order to make it more affordable. I found a printable "dirty dozen" and "clean 15" list published by Environmental Working Group for organic "musts". This list assists in reducing consumption and intake of chemicals and pesticides.


Hmmm, and what's up with the corn fed beef issue? I investigated when I started hCG due to all the American beef bashing. Yuk!!!!. Stock yards and an unnatural diet of corn and soy result in high hormones, antibiotics and pesticides. Not to mention the ranching process is inhumane and not eco-friendly. According to Eatwild.com, "a diet of grazed grass requires much less fossil fuel than a feedlot diet of dried corn and soy."(they have a grassfed locator). Organic grassfed beef is on the Forbes top 10 list of food (as well as kale). It is lower in saturated fats and higher in Omega-3's, vitamins, minerals and conjugated linoleic acid. I could go on...

So much to consider! How about soap?  My husband insists on different soaps because, TMI, he won't wash his face with the same soap he washes his butt with. (Ummm, please don't put the soap there honey!!!!) I have been reading about liquid soap and considering going fully organic there too. Obviously house cleaning and personal hygiene products are loaded with chemicals that are detrimental to the environment. Organic soap and especially liquid soap is more eco-friendly and also conserves water, especially if you take a Navy shower! Save 15,000 gallons of water a year!!

So I have been reading more about natural products you can use to clean your home and your body. I have even been considering making my own liquid soap with an organic soap base such as those from brambleberry.com or simply by following a recipe for boiling distilled water and combining it with an organic bar soap such as Dr. Bronners.

Another great tip an author made was that conserving in some areas offsets your costs in other areas. Conserve water, stretch your soap budget, grow your own veggies and eat more vegetarian meals to help pay for organics and grassfed meats.

A long post but this is where my mind is today in regards to Earth Day. I hope to have inspired you!

(Earth pic originally from University of Wyoming Dusty Shelves blog)